The Blog of lashanda

I had this friend thought was my freind and asked her question what happen over here if it right.

She called her friend that work her and it was about her and talk to her.

And y ou know for years i took care of her mother and some time did not wanted to but did.

I did lot of things for her i rather not.

And she go and do that to me.

She never called me back.

She lady and talk be hide my back to her.

Then to come to me.

i see why this lady does not have freinds.

I caught with the builds that build place 3 years ago and she have fair. And lyed that didn't .

I see she was never my friend.

Now the lady that she went to told me I am pradioned.

but I don't think so.

That was shit I think.

Lashanda

I had low self steam and now some with help I have self steam.

And I feel much better.

I have lost some weight and then I am doing better then every.

When I see some like I used to be.

Is that I have grown lot.

I have done a lot.

I found some thing I done along time ago.

I wrote a book and then put it on tape it weird to here me tell the story.

I had on floppy and lost it .

And that is what I used to write story and now it is cool to hear what I wrote.

I have done lot to get me where I am to day.

I have mentall illness but I have learn not to let it conrtoll me .

That I can mange it.

I am doing better.

Thank you for evrey things  Jeuse.

I Love myself to day.

And I can see there is hope in the life for me.

I have boyfreind and never thought I be in relinship every that last.

I am doing well.

And looking for a job.

Me have job and keep it.

That is a joke.

But will and see if I can.

I know there is hope for me.

I have seen others do it.

But me.

I will be surprised to have that feeling all those things.

I have came along ways now.

I have tryed hard for this.

I thank all my friend and the freind I will meet for read this.

it has help my self steam alot.

Lashanda

My relinship with my boyfriend was not working.

But I did not leave with him .

But I leaved.

I did not talk to him for 3 months .

I change my name and was not on that site and I leaved.

Then we relised we missed each other things.

And I leaved because his family did not like me.

And other things.

I walked away be for but not like this.

And it is so much better.

And we hide from the family and they found out about me and they shocked we were together again.

But I leaved and took look what I wanted out of my life and if I did go back what I wanted out of the relinship and it help to step back and not be there in more.

We are closer then every .

And it help to step back for a while.

If you are in relinship you don't get long why stay together I look at it.

Parted as friend and go and find some one you will be happy with.

I been though 2 marrige and leave with guy for a long time.

We just were not get long and we grew apart from each other.

So it is time that you move on.

And find some one you can get long and have better life with.

It help me lot to step back and see what I wanted out of evrey  thing.

I am glad I did.

Lashanda

I am looking for a part time job to get out of here.

I am tired of leaveing here.

It smells and it is time to go and get job.

I have mental illness and it mint be that I can help other ones like me.

Like i been wanted to .

Have to go out town for train and that will be ok.

I need to get out of here some time

So i am applie for the job.

So please remember me when you have thought of your own to help your self.

I need to do some thing.

Thank you Lashanda

I would like you to have me in your thoughts.

I need to move.

There is lady cross the hall and she is very sick and she is out here and cough all over us.

And then she pees on herself and all the chairs we sit on.

And one lady shits every where. And then on the chairs.

And they slap there hands and say don't do that again.

They pee be hind the shead.

The manger does nothing.

They say are.

But the Ladys house smell for year or longer.

I wanted out and please help me with your thought something to come up and then get out here.

I say it all the time and then I dont do it is to much to move.

But I have to get out of here.

Thank you

Lashanda

I meet his sister when I was down to low self steam .

I did not have much .

I felt at the time i should leave in group home .

And the boyfreiind walked in my life.

And I give it chanse .

We been talking on the internet for years but not really closed.

Now I leaved him because his sister did not like me and friend would not do in thing to do with me.

But I have change.

I am still kind nerves.

But I have dyed my hair .

I have lost some weight.

I feel differnet then I used to.

I feel if I can just show kindness and mabe the rest family see this.

Try to ignore the bad feelings that she give me.

To try to take the good in.

I feel differnt then I did when I was around the family.

I have more self steam.

And when people see you have self steam they treat you differnet I see.

And come here has help me to share my feelings and how I feel.

Boyfriend and I have had are ups and down .

And come on here and write and hear what people have to say has helped lot.

I wanted to Thank you all for helping me and talking to me

Lashanda

Will my boyfriend went to lunch and his sister and her aunt and husband showed up and some more relative.

And she don't like me.

And then I have changed alot.

I dyed my hair .

i had it pin back .

I think she was surprized to see me.

I think they both were surprized to see me with Mikey.

Mikey told me she came in there to see who he was with.

Wi ll I am out in the open now and the family knows.

I am not there to please them.

I am here for him.

He said some thing I surprized and we dont talk about it.

We can not get married or leave together we kill each other.

With are tememper a like.

And told him I like it the way we have.

We talk on the interenet untill one said they have to go to sleep .

And he comes down once week to see me..

And some time when it is fish time . He comes twice.

But I took a break from this summer for 3 months but we have been together for all most year.

Been on the internet for 4 years. i t was some time be for we meet.

So his sister found out we are together .

I think to day she decide she can not keep us apart.

That she accepted to day.

So I think i will go to there party and things now.

Will have to see what happens.

Diary

I look better then she every seen me.

Will we will see what happen

Lashanda

I feel things again.

The fire alarm at the apartment is going off and can not find it.

I think it is some wireing in the building.

And some thing is going to happen like a fire.

For 6 years we never had one.

But I am feel some thing is going to really happen and soon.

And I can feel more and more feelings.

And can not sleep some time that there is some thing and I can not tell .

But I feel there is some things going to happen.

And it is drive me crazy.

What ever it is will tell me soon.

I feel it all ways do.

Thank you for read this .

I had to get out.

Lashanda

Dear Diary,

I am Thankfull all the things Jeuse give me.

Like find my son.
And having 3 grandkids.

I never thought I have Grandkids.

And Have my boyfriend Mikey and he is so good to me.

I did not know I have that either.

And All the friends on here and on the interenet.

Have Angles protected every one during the hoildays.

Thank you again.

Lashanda

Diary

My son is have some money promblems and other thing and need some help for you.

I need all the prayers for my son.

i can not sent money but sure ask for pray.

This world is hard to leave in.

I know talking to you Diary it helps lot.

Some time we go throught rough time it makes us stronger.

Thank you for listen to me.

lashanda

I like to watch the first snow and in the time it snow and I have to stay in.

And be write and see the snow.

And in the night time when the snow comes down in the front of the light it is cool

But then when after the first fall of snow goes way .

Then i don't wanted in more.

The snow fall people are crazy and you don't wanted to be out in it.

So and in the woods with the snow . It hangs on the trees and it is cool.

I like to get some picture of it.

i think it be cool

Lashanda

It is weird feel some time.

I can not be around alot of people.

Can not be around crowds.

I like Twilight the show .

It was good I thought.

I like when they were playing base ball they hit the ball and it sound like thunder.

I just like it really good.

I have some differnet engery then some people.

I felt like the charter I was her and had to stop watch it.

It made me feel good

Lashanda

I miss under stand my boyfreind.

I did alot of thinking.

And he show me he care with things he doing.

And I thought it was other things.

It was my miss under stand so i  am going to try again.

I have change alot and I think I understand better.

Some time misunderstand is me.

So look at it differnet now.

Some time you think some thing it mint not be what you think.

Lashanda

hi

I have change my color of my hair and I feel great.

And things are going good.

I have no one in my life.

Have not found in one.

I guess it is not time to find in one.

I wish you all nice hoildays

Lashanda

I heard some thing sad.

Some of us think we have it bad.

There is lady she is so big she falling one day and now she can not walk.

And she has worker that comes in and take care of her.

From 6:00 in the moring untill 7:00 at night.

The worker goes on .

And she is on her own.

And when she has to go to the bathroom she pees her bed and shits it to .

Untill the lady comes on the moring to clean her up .

Some of us think we have it bad.

I thought I had it bad.

And she is in her 50's and she can not fit in car she is so big.

it is bad.

So look around you when you think you are bad there is some one else that is worse then you.

lashanda

My Girl friend try to commite sucide.

She is preganted.

And by doing that she damage the baby and he mint have mental promblem.

If you are preganted it is just not you .

It is some one else then your self.

And you wanted to die.

And when Jeuse wanted you to go home he will call you when the time is .

That is how I look at it .

So I dont do that in more.

I just go with the flow and feel what I am suppose to feel.

Some time I get depressed and try to deal with it.

Lashanda

I feel good and a turn around.

I been so down for so long.

Take new medicine and feeling so good .

And feel so great.

I move my things to new email address and pick new friends and started a new beging and I am doing things differnet and then I have moved on and then go on with my life.

And feeling so good.

lashanda

I got a cat today.

His name is Uncle Buck.

He is short hair cat.

It made me nerve to have one.

And I seem to still down.

He has peed in his box so that made me feel good.

So I was nerves to day.

I did not relised that made me mad.

He scratch at the floor now .

Have to stop him from that.

He seem preted good cat.

Sleeps with me.

So that is cool.

Lashanda

I feel like I am in fog.

I can not have relinship with a man.

It is not for me.

It seems like I can not get along with people that is why I stay by myself. I try to get along.

I had to say I can not get closed to some one I seem to hurt them and I don't wanted to do that in more.

I hurt to much. To hurt some one else.

I guess it is ask to much to have a freind .

That is all I am asking for.

When I get to closed to some one my head gets in a foggy.

It is hard for me.

Lashanda

The Doctor found scars on my brain and now they going to sent me some one now.

I have headaceys.

When I get up set my brain does weird things.

It hurts.

Lashanda

I get up set .

Then i get sick .

Then leads to drinking for me to get relaxed.

Then when the relaxed come off.

I wanted to kill myself.

And then I get depressed.

Then I try to stay way from stressed things in my life.

I put my hands up and say I can not take what you are saying and then walk way.

And I have not been doing that lately.

Take all the stress in and it is to much for me.

And I have to started walking way and not get stress and get up set in more.

I get so sick.

Lashanda

Me and a freind were looking for houses.

And I never for got this Lady.

This Lady showed up and she looked like a cat in the face.

That has been 10years ago.

And never for got her.

It was amazing she look like a female older cat.

She was pretty in her own way.

I could not belive that I would see that.

Lashanda

I have to give up the counsler .

I am drinking more .

And I can not  do it in more.

Up set more.

And lonely.

I have to choose some things .

I have to go and get a cat.

I can not stand to be alone and the

Cell phone  has to go in the thought of getting one.

I have to get a cat.

People have to get hold of me some how.

That is why I was getting a cell phone they could not get hold of me.

They can get hold of me by internet or by land phone when the internet is not on.

I will turn it off when i am not on it.

But I need a cat in my life.

I need the love of a cat here.

So that it is so I won't head to the bar.

lashanda

The weather is change and the hoildays are comeing .

And I love Halloween and I do not like Christmas.

I am by myself on Christmas most of the time.

And have no family and no closed freinds here to spent and open gifts with.

So It is depression for me .

I rather it not  come.

But I love Halloween and you can dress up once ayear.

And I think that is cool.

You all that read this have a Cool Halloween and Christmas and happy Newyear when it comes.

Lashanda

I am trying not to look back where I been.

I look where I am to day and go on with life.

And to do some thing good for the day.

I help someone on the internet with depression .

or

To give a kind word to help some one though some thing,

I am trying to do that.

And to stay out of relinship .

Just freinds that is all I wanted.

Love me for who i am .

Love me from where I have been.

Try to understand why people do things they do in there life.

I mint not like it .

it is some thing they need to do.

it is not my life.

They have to make there own mistakes.

I dont pick up the pieces .

i tell them how I feel but they have to learn on there own.

Some time it is hard to sit back and watch them not do my way. But they have to do it there way.

We all learn by mistakes and no one can tell us.

We are not going to listen.

Lashanda